How to make time for other people while also looking after ourselves

Looking after other people and looking after ourselves are essentially two sides of the same coin. As the old saying goes, ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’, and if we’re tired, stressed, or otherwise distracted, it can be really hard to be physically and mentally available for the most important people in our lives. At the same time, though, it’s important to try to be mindful of others and channel our good intentions to help and support other people. In this month’s ‘Mindfulness and wellbeing’ article, we hope to strike something of a balance between the two. 

These days, it can feel easier than ever to disappear off into our own little world. Spending long periods of our time online can detract from our ability to really connect with others in the physical realm, and a worrying side product of today’s internet age is that we seem to have ‘normalised’ the idea of what would previously have seemed like selfish or uncaring practices, like telling friends or family members that we don’t have time to listen to them because we’re ‘exhausted’ or ‘at capacity’, or engaging in ‘friend cleanses’. 

At the same time, it’s hard to really be present for people when there are so many distractions in life, and when so many of us are worrying about different things, whether that’s soaring inflation, making enough money to live, health, housing, relationships, family life, and so much more. And that’s assuming that you’re lucky enough to live in a part of the world that’s not facing even more pressing existential concerns, like extreme climate events or war. 

The world has changed in many ways since the onset of the pandemic, and over and above that, many places are experiencing difficult or unpredictable times these days, to say the very least. But all of this actually makes it more, rather than less, important to think about the people immediately around us (or those that are geographically distant but we are regularly in contact with). In this month’s mindfulness and wellbeing article, we’ll share some tips on how to be a friend to other people while still looking after our own happiness. 

So, why should we try to be present for other people? The first reason is that nobody is an island and we all depend on one another. And while we may all have different levels of sociability, contact with other people can benefit ourselves as well as them. Another reason is that your contact might really make a difference to somebody’s day, especially if they are feeling overwhelmed or otherwise struggling with something (and it’s important to be aware that many people are). Not everybody’s problems necessarily present themselves openly, and sometimes it’s the people we least expect that are having a hard time of things. Your smile or small talk might make more of a difference to the people around you than you think. 

It’s also important, when we live such disparate lives, to keep up a routine and to continue to take an interest in people, and while this can be really difficult to do if we’re busy or if we know a lot of people, your friends and family members will always be touched that you made the effort to check with them. The same goes for former colleagues or people you know who might have moved to a different area. Although it’s hard to keep in touch with everybody, touching base every so often will reassure them that you care, and keep you feeling close to them. 

But all of this is so much easier said than done if we’re faced with the stress of meeting deadlines at work, holding down multiple jobs, maintaining a house or caring for dependant family members, not to mention keeping on top of other aspects of our life like fitness and our physical health. And here lies the importance of finding ways to look after ourselves too. 

One of the best ways of doing this is by listening to our own feelings and recognising when we’re feeling tired, burnt-out or emotionally disconnected, then trying to remedy this by taking some more time out for ourselves. Another idea which is important - yet harder to implement - is trying to set certain boundaries so that we don’t wear ourselves out for other people, such as declining social events that we really don’t feel up to, or politely refusing to do favours for people whom we’ve done this for already. A simple Google search of ‘How to say no’ will bring up a wealth of articles on this topic. 

Treating ourselves to some nice things can also help us to take a step back and ultimately then improve our capacity to connect with others. It can be really hard to properly make time to rest, relax and pursue hobbies that interest us, but it’s important to enjoy a certain number of small pleasures in order to live our lives optimistically and be more open to others. Even something as seemingly trivial as treating yourself to a nice cup of coffee, a magazine or some cut flowers can give you a lift, as can watching a TV series that you’ve been really looking forward to, cooking, or going for a walk or a bath. 

Lastly, our final tips would be to know that you’re only human, and know when you’ve had enough. We’ve all been guilty of not making time for people, or responding to their messages or calls. We’ve all had days when we’ve not necessarily been polite or receptive, but people that are close to you will generally intuit that you have good intentions, and understand if you’re not as open as you would normally be. 

It’s also important to recognise that everybody’s social energy has limits, and it’s natural to want to take some time to yourself occasionally. On a more serious note, if there are people in your life that regularly drain your energy in a negative way or undermine your confidence, it’s worth looking for strategies to either limit the amount of time you spend around them or to avoid being upset by them (wherever possible). This can be much harder to do if the person or people are very close to you, but in a sense that makes it even more important to develop appropriate coping strategies. 

We hope we have in some way helped to square the circle of being a good friend to others as well as to ourselves, but if you have any other tips on this topic then we’re always ready to hear them. Until the next time!